UPDATED, August 5 — Personal message: To the beautiful server at Joe Dog’s, from lunchtime on February 2, 2022

(Update for August 1, 2024 at end; update for August 5, 2024 at end)

Update, July 31, 2024:

I have to add that I am channeling so intensely that my mind, formerly home to only my own thoughts, gets flooded with attacks from spirits who can invade my physical body and take over my attention.

I have been experiencing this for four years now, and as such, I can’t really relate to anyone, and I can’t do anything but talk about myself like an autistic person with ADD. It’s extremely crippling socially, and it’s why I can’t do anything but sit quietly.

I understand this to be my “forty days in the desert” phase, and it doesn’t make sense to me that I’d live the life I lived until now, learning what I’ve learned, only to turn myself over to other spirits who insist on taking the bat out of my hands.

I am looking forward to the next phase of my life. I don’t know what my future will look like, and as such, I have to be patient and wait, not knowing quite what’s coming, but with an idea of what’s involved, and where.

I’d like to share this, though: I am autistic, and I am not a social butterfly. In Human Design terms, my only Throat activation is Gate 12, Line 6, which involves a condition of standstill in absence of something to actually say, or a harmonic connection. It can be very awkward if other people don’t respect that. I also have the Personality Jupiter activation of Gate 59, Line 2, Sexuality > Shyness: A preference for separation over the instability engendered by union. Neither of those things can be modified. I will never be a “pickup artist” because I don’t have the energy/Design for it.

My apologies for not doing this in a better way, but… I came in to Joe Dog’s Bar and Grill for the half-price wings on Wednesday, February 9, 2022, and I had seen you once before that, and you had asked me if I was alright or something. I just want you to know that I had a life-changing, nuclear-strength cupid’s-arrow reaction to meeting you that day. It feels crazy saying this, but I have to see if I can marry you, by getting to know you, once I’m mentally/emotionally/spiritually capable. You don’t know if it works until you try, so, I’m absolutely sold on trying; I would love to get to know you. I’m not sure when that will be. Hard to say, because of variables and moving parts.

I’m very sorry I haven’t been able to do anything more. I have a very good excuse (not that I like making excuses); it’s that functionally, I’ve been a schizophrenic, implanted with spirits who cause me to have poor attention span, reduced short-term memory, and mood swings, and I’ve got sexual trauma from two instances of sexual abuse I suffered quite young in this life, plus a massive amount of sexual trauma from three lifetimes ago (your emotional experience carries on from lifetime to lifetime). I’m also an Asperger person, on the spectrum; I’m the first “Rave” in Human Design terms.

I hate doing this, because it’s really embarrassing if I’m wrong, but I’ve been hearing from spirits on the other side that your name is Courtney Robinson(?), and that you play tennis. If that’s true, that you play tennis, then I absolutely want to/must marry you. My family plays, I play, they’ve played all my life, my parents played competitively, I like watching the tour on TSN and I love to hit. When my mother was eight months pregnant with me, she won the Appleby Winter Tennis Club ladies’ doubles title. (We used to hit at the Bubble on the weekends.)

If it isn’t true that you play tennis, well, that’s still true about me. My knees are a long way away from healing, but I’m looking forward to playing again.

I intend to seek you out at Joe Dog’s as soon as I can. Unfortunately, my mental state, because of intense channeling of spirits from the other side, is such that I can’t do much other than channeling, and therefore, I can’t really interact with other people like a normal person. I don’t know when I’ll be mentally healthy enough, without implanted emotional compromising agents, to seek you out. But I look forward to the opportunity. Cupid-arrow; very sorry I had to wait like this, but it will pay off, I’ve been assured.

Update, August 1, 2024:

In the interest of full disclosure, here is the text that I edited out the other night. I was feeling insecure about my future “spiritual-mental capacity,” and I… Let the emotions spill out. I’m pretty sure everything I wrote was honest, but with no filter. So here they are, the excised portions…

UPDATE — Terribly sorry (I hope for now)… It’s not going to happen. I’m not going to be emotionally stable enough. [Personal message: To the beautiful server at Joe Dog’s, from lunchtime on February 2, 2022]

Update, July 31, 2024:
I’m really sorry I have to write this, but at this juncture, I’ve been informed, without any change, that I will not be able to live without an implant. The Divine Feminine is insisting on replacing my own ability to think with that of a human implant, a neurotypical who doesn’t understand how an Asperger person works because he was a different species of human. She also is, for some ungodly reason, ignoring what I know about Human Design, and insisting that someone else can be inside me and think instead of me.

I know that is wrong, and I also know that there isn’t any implant that knows what they’re doing. She insists on using old souls from the twentieth century, and they’re morons… Moreover, it’s insanely inappropriate to listen to these ignoramuses, and they do nothing but cause emotional conflict. I’m sorry I posted what I posted below. It’s true, but it’s also true that I’m a schizophrenic, and I can’t even manage the simplest human relationship. The Divine Feminine will lie like that.

I know this is bad for the future, but I have to be honest. I get jerked around like crazy, I don’t get told what’s coming, but I did get word just now that the Source thought that me writing what’s below was enough. IT’S NOT. SHE HAS NO IDEA HOW TO THINK. SHE HAS NO IDEA HOW TO DO THE MASCULINE GENDER ROLE, AND SHE HAS SO FAR REFUSED TO TAKE THE TIME TO LEARN.

I, MYSELF, KNOW THAT I HAVE MUCH TO LEARN, BECAUSE I HAVE VERY LITTLE DATING EXPERIENCE. I’M ALSO EMOTIONALLY DAMAGED, AND I DON’T GET TO CONTROL MY OWN LIFE, OR KEEP PROMISES TO MYSELF, OR EVEN BE SOMEONE I LIKE.

AS LONG AS I AM IN THE STATE I’M IN, WITHOUT EMOTIONAL STABILITY OR CONTROL OVER MY OWN MIND, I HAVE TO REMAIN CLOISTERED AND ALONE. THE SOURCE HAS DECIDED THAT IT’S MORE IMPORTANT FOR ME TO INTERACT WITH DEAD PEOPLE (ALL OF WHOM, ARE PRETTY MUCH HATEFUL BECAUSE OF THEIR MALADAPTED, PRIMITIVE PSYCHOLOGY) THAN FOR ME TO LIVE OUTSIDE MY HEAD.

REALLY, SHE DOES EVERYTHING WRONG. I LITERALLY WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING BUT LIVE INSIDE MY HEAD ALL THE TIME. I TOLD HER IT WOULDN’T WORK FOUR YEARS AGO, AND I MEANT IT. THAT STILL STANDS.

I’m terribly sorry that, given my current state, I’m not going to be available to any woman for an intimate relationsip.

Until I announce that there has been some miraculous transformation where I don’t channel so intensely, with an implant inside me preventing from access to my own mental abilities instead of channeling, I’m under interpersonal lockdown.

Same thing goes for making music, more or less. The spirits inside barely let me practice like a normal, competent person.

The twentieth century souls developed horrid borderline and narcissistic personality disorders, and it seems that The Source’s system is to listen to dead people’s a priori, idealistic, non-contextual notions from the other side.

So I don’t get to improve on things, inside myself. I spent two years learning the latest on men, women, dating, and relationships, and I put it into practice and saw it work. I’ve just been informed that I don’t get to use anything I’ve learned, and I will have the spirits of ignorant, dead people from the past, chiming in their useless, dumb-fuck, ignorant-Boomer, bullshit, armchair quarterback, awful excuses for “helpful advice”.

That’s why I’ve been miserable and crazy for the past four years. I’ve been implanted with the departed soul of my late brother-in-law, Tom Bink, son of Werner Bink, and I’ve been miserable and insane. The guy is an insane child.

I had an IQ that was tested at 154 when I was 20. I have already determined that I’m smarter, wiser, and more well-informed than practically every single person in the afterllfe.

The only guys who know anything about dealing with women are still alive, especially since younger women are a completely different generational cohort and Boomers, Gen-Xers and Millennials are raging generational narcissists, and they judge anyone who isn’t their age critically (it would seem).

Until I post otherwise, I am on the shelf in terms of romantic or intimate relationships, or even something as simple as friendship. Dealing with spirits makes me a selfish, difficult person that I don’t like, and with Tom Bink implanted in here, I am a crazy person who has to struggle against a severe case of Attention Deficit Disorder, extreme mood swings, sudden fatigue, and Tourette’s-like verbal outbursts.

I’m terribly sorry that what follows really doesn’t apply anymore. It sounds like I don’t get to be myself anymore, and I really hate that. I hate these fucking ghosts. I really do. They make me hate life. I mean it.

I very strongly feel the need to defend myself. I am being sabotaged by my Higher Self, the Spirit of Femininity itself. She doesn’t understand how awful it is to behave this way. I hate having to be inconsistent like this—that’s entirely the Source’s fault, and I never would have proceeded as I have done. I’ve had to walk around like a clueless, compromised zombie.

I don’t get to be myself. That’s the part I hate. There’s a person in here, me, who can write, but in the world, my mind gets taken over by ghosts, and I have to live in my head with them insulting me. It’s been four years of this, and I don’t even get to know whom I am anymore.

I’ve maintained faith in the Source, but what I’m hearing right now is a horrible thing. The Spirit of Femininity itself cannot do the masculine role in a relationship. She literally doesn’t know how to think through dating or being in a relationship with a woman, because she is the sexually passive/receptive force/spirit/being. I don’t get to use my own mind to think in the world. I frequently find myself embroiled in difficult, rambling battles against spirits in my head. I honestly hate it, and I’m miserable like this.

Right now, it’s feeling like I was the victim of a bait-and-switch, because the Divine Feminine constantly wants to act without thinking. I am familiar with the masculine gender role from two years of reading up on it after my marriage ended, and I can attest that I don’t get to use anything close to a good mindset. I don’t get to have my own mindset at all, and having to endure challenges from relatively lesser, ignorant, unintelligent old souls is an awful thing that makes me completely incapacitated interpersonally. That’s why all I can do is just sit there, not talk to anyone, and fight off voices in my head. I can write, but that’s it.

I pray that I’m the benefit of some sort of deliverance. Without it, there’s no hope for me ever having a sexual relationship again.

Added: I honestly get the feeling like the Feminine is trying to cheat, and thinks that I have enough money, it doesn’t matter if I can’t actually interact with a girl. She honestly has a conception that I’ll be able to have a stable of paid servants and sex-trade workers without making any emotional connections, simply because I have a lot of money… Hmm… Oddly, I got a notion that it was the Divine Masculine, who is a primitive spirit because of a lack of life experience, who was operating on such a misguided notion.

I’m divorced, I’ve been through therapy, emotional healing, 12 Steps for sex addiction, and I was only two years into my healing journey when channeling took over, introduced a more intense layer of trauma, and began to insist on suggesting that I pursue women sexually without having a decent idea about how to go about it, in a practially socially suicidal way that I didn’t want to do because I knew better.

That’s part of what I’m dealing with right now. I hate having these spirits inside of me. I don’t want to have to share myself like this.

I don’t even know who I’ll be in the future. I can’t even sing anymore because of the implants. My fingers are crossed, but it’s very hard.

Please note: I take back the statement: “the Source does everything wrong.” That is not true. The accurate statement would be: “the spirit of immature femininity, which everyone is born with, is the spirit that will do things wrong because of nervousness, like ‘the yips’ in golf.”

Update, August 5, 2024:

It has come to my attention, through channeling, that I should communicate this. I smoke marijuana, and have, regularly, for most of the past twenty-four years. It became known to me after I started channeling that marijuana is my primary spiritual sacrament. It has been necessary for me, especially recently, to manage my emotions and stimulate thought and creativity. THC crystals have mystical properties.

I am a musician. I smoke weed and make music, and that’s part of my life, and that is unmovable. Also stimulates creativity for writing and other things. Any wife of mine would need to accept me smoking marijuana in the house. I did my degree high, my marketing diploma high, and I got high every day before I worked at Telus unless there was a meeting at 9.

It was channeled to me that I should make that clear. If a girl can’t understand that I’m a mystic for whom marijuana is a primary, special spiritual sacrament and part of my life as a channeler, and it’s also part of my life a musician, then she’s not the girl for me. My first wife and I smoked weed regularly. We’d wake up early in the morning sometimes by accident, and if we had time, we’d smoke weed and have sleepy-morning-stoned-sex. It was absolutely wonderful, and we loved it. The kind of girl to whom that appeals is the girl for me. (I’m not going to make a girl smoke if she doesn’t want to; I’m fine smoking on my own.)

It’s also the case that I’m 44 years old and I’m kind of set in my ways, as it happens. I need someone with a good Design fit, and it’s probably the case that I’m a better fit for a girl with Asperger’s/on the spectrum.

I’m also here to be the “Scientific Intuitive” or the “intellectuial intuitive,” so I’d like to warn whoever needs to be warned about that one. I don’t think that’s even towards anyone in particular; it’s just that I’ve encountered some personalities along the way that don’t gel along with me because the person has to be right, or the authority, on things. Given my nature as a mystic, I really can’t bend on a lot of things. I know my limitations, and I know that people getting together is a matter of hit-or-miss, learn-and-plug-away, trial-and-error-and-learn.

I especially can’t be around a woman (or anyone, really) who is going to think that they know better than me about things.

Asperger’s, by the way, is not a disease, like on that wrong and offensive show, The Good Doctor; it’s a mutation in the species, and after February 2027, everyone will be this born as this new, Asperger form, known in Human Design as “The Rave”. So please don’t consider me a defective neurotypical. That’s not what it is, and that’s one of the many things I’m here to teach.

I fully admit I am feeling and being defensive here, but that’s what deal-breakers are: defense.